12/22/11 to 1/7/12 – London – England
Crew – Lily, Gigi, John Orta
There are moments where you know your parents love you. These moments are not big ones like High School Graduation or Christmas. These are the ones where if they didn’t love you less they would absolutely leave you for the nearest bars.
For me, that was underneath Churchill’s bunker after a 13-hour flight while I ran around like a monkey on crack seeing all the exhibits.
This trip was technically in two parts. A one-day layover after reaching Europe and a one-week stint after leaving Paris. The one-day layover was where we reached Churchill’s bunker. Because if you have one day in London what is the first thing you do? The bunker. Don’t be stupid.
This was also Lily and I’s first international trip, and we got introduced to the wonder of jet lag and 13-hour flights. My parents being the compassionate people they have let us sleep in the row of the planes taking up three seats. Meanwhile, they got to listen to the drunk lady ask to be jettisoned over the Atlantic. I would touch further on that but honestly, it’s self-explanatory. It happened around 3 am in the morning and the flight attendants gave her some orange juice and told her to deal. No unexpected deaths on this flight.
I would say it was a roadblock, but I slept through the entire thing.
My mom’s partner from her old law firm (just the two of them), knew a family that was heading to the US for Christmas break so we got to quarter up in there. 3rd amendment revolutionary war Uno reverse card if you will. With that house came a hamster, named Hammy. He was ridiculously cute if a little rascal and we were told to never let him out of his cage.
We’ve been pretty generic tourists on a lot of our trips. But this was the OG Orta tourist trip, and we maximized that. I’m going to cover here Buckingham palace, the double-decker red bus, some British pubs, the London Eye, and plenty more. I also only remember bits and pieces of this trip due to it being the oldest one, so this is how I’m going to go a mile wide and only an inch deep.
Churchill’s Bunker:
Absolutely fantastic. What, I might have been sleep deprived and jet lagged but I still loved the experience. You got to run around and see the war room where they met nightly to discuss the state of the Blitz on London, complete with the small figures that depicted the various royal air force fighter squadrons as they scrambled. In other sections, it had the telegram rooms where dozens of operators received news of the war around the globe.
It also had a section where you could explore Churchill’s life. Moments like his election, his parents being quite absent from his childhood, and his escape from a coal train in South Africa. The museum also covers the less heroic sides of his life: Gallipoli and his quick removal from power following the end of the war. In 1945, his party of the Tories was absolutely crushed by the Labour Party, losing 145 seats of Parliament.
In a world where historical figures are far often seen as either demons or angels, Churchill occupies a grey zone. Space where it is widely accepted that this man was not a good human, but he absolutely helped the world when it counted. Germany offered quite generous peace terms to Britain, and he refused. The prime minister before him wanted to take them. His refusal was brash, insane, and quintessential British pride.
He sits with figures like Oskar Schindler, a war criminal and Nazi who saved 1,200 Jews, and Ulysses Grant, a Union general president who broke up the Klu Klux Klan by forcing a military occupation of the entire South during reconstruction, violating nearly the entire bill of rights. In all three cases, you can see how they were undoubtedly on the right side of history, but the discussion of their action is exciting and forces new viewpoints on those who examine the past. I think we need to look at more historical figures this way.
Anyhow with that done, let’s look at some more fun sights.
Buckingham Palace:
Magnificent and screams imperialist wealth, but the main attraction is the royal soldiers of course. Told to stay calm under all circumstances they can call in regular police to remove particularly annoying tourists. I find something amusing that the police are allowed to call other police because tourists are beneath the Queen’s royal guard. Of course, if anyone tried to storm the palace each guard’s rifle is fully automatic and has an attached bayonet, these guards aren’t only around for tourism value.
There have been various parades in English history where the heat of the London summer causes guard’s faint while at attention for hours. It’s quite sad but also hilarious.
For the palace itself…. Of course, it’s nice. It’s the home of the immortal queen Elizabeth II. I’m pretty sure her and fellow perpetual Keanu Reeves drink tea there and laugh at the rest of our mortal lifespans.
The Double-Decker Red Bus:
The buses might be iconic, it does not mean they are faster (or cleaner) than any AC transit bus in the bay area. The metro is faster in I believe every situation possible. But needless we had to try it and sit on the top floor while they drove around downtown London.
I stole this joke but it bears repeating: If you have ever taken urban public transportation, you do not need to worry about what is in that COVID vaccine.
British Pub:
Community once had a scene where Brita and Jeff attempt to come up with the least offensive to everyone bar possible and both exclaim an Irish pub at the same time. I can agree with that. The vibes are good, not great all of the time and it’s impossible to not enjoy it. After all, it’s still somehow wholesome enough that you can bring kids who just eat…. Intriguing British food.
If anyone is wondering about a salmon cake: A patty of salmon on a plate, it is certainly filling, I’m not sure what other adjectives are applicable here. They really aren’t doing much to help their stereotype of being allergic to spice, however.
I could not imagine learning how to do homework while drinking a pint, a skill that university students in most of Europe have mastered. One of my friends who went to the UK does that but never learned how to play stack cup because you only drink in esteemed establishments, not shitty rental basements. I’m sure he’s the one that is missing out.
Big Ben:
Great, a huge hit among the crowd. It’s a tall bell tower that rings out and is the Golden Gate equivalent of London. What is there not to like.
My parents also got the best picture of my sister and me on this site. Lily did me dirty when she revived it for a birthday post.
With that said I’m not sure what there was to do with it since at the time we weren’t allowed to go inside due to renovations so we kinda got to look at it in the twilight and then moved on.
The British Metro:
One of the only subway systems that predate the NYC metro, it is expansive, crumbling, and filled with grumpy commuters. In other news, a fantastic attraction. Bonus points when one of Melinda’s kids stick his hand in a soot vent and then touched his eyes. It’s a subway, don’t touch things that you know are going to be nasty.
It’s also the oldest subway on the planet still running since it was established in 1890. For context, the New York Metro was first put into operation in 1904. And even then an engineering oversight meant that there was a 12-foot gap for the end car on a train to get off at Grand Central Station. The workers put up a very not OSHA solution to the problem. Even more, than the time to cut out tooling board (ultra-dense plastic) for our car’s panels, Stephanie heated a wire using a car battery. Fun times.
The London Eye:
My fear of heights came back to bite me here. Because you know most carousals are fast or something. This one was not. You get a lovely 443 ft view of the city of London for 35 minutes. It’s excruciating and if you don’t like being suspended in the air, not for you. On the other hand, London at night? Very pretty. Although I live in the era of clean air acts. Would have been fascinating to look down onto a city that had what was described by residents as “Pea soup fog”. LA, and today Beijing might be famous for poor air quality, but London was the OG for awful air quality. It was so bad that their clean air act passed before us.
(Also, a side note on that: The clean act was unanimously passed in the Senate in the US, one of the few bills of importance ever passed 100-0. The academic consensus is because Nixon, a Republican, introduced the idea of the bill.)
My mom was not with us for the London Eye, and I simply have no idea why. It’s a shame, she would’ve loved the heights and scale of it. She unlike me loves climbing courses and ropes courses 80 ft in the air. My dad has gone bungee jumping. My sister inherited both of these traits. I got neither.
Hamley’s
Apparently, the largest toy store on the planet, this place had eight stories of just toys. It’s absolutely amazing. There are employees all over showing off various toys. I distinctly remember one hurling a drone into the ground and then showing how it could still take off. This was back when drones were a rarity instead of something that is used in PE class so I was amazed. This also the oldest living toy store on the planet, founded in 1760.
Today there are a few dozen stores scattered across Europe and the US but the big one that we saw was on Regent Street, one of the major downtown streets in England.
The British Museum (Yes, it is called that)
I’ll get to the spicy parts of this place in a second, don’t worry, but first, let’s talk about the fun parts. One, they have entire tanks on the lawn in front of the museum next to parts of the Berlin wall and barbed wire from the Somme. For relics, this museum is second to none (maybe the Smithsonian can rival it). Inside you can find first-generation steam engines that kickstarted the industrial revolution and the charter for the Jamestown colony.
The museum in its main wings does not focus on an overarching theme. Its story is the history of the British people from the original settlers predating the Romans through the Falkland wars. It serves roughly the same role as the Smithsonian but instead of 19 separate museums, the British really said fuck it and crammed a history of a global empire into one city. A place where you can look at both Viking agricultural methods and the Red Baron’s dueling sword is the best shit you never knew you wanted.
They had a variety of side exhibits that ranged from horrifying (Cromwell’s reign of terror) to intriguing but random (Food of Britain in the world wars). The entire museum would take a few dozen pages for me to write out but it’s worth seeing. There aren’t many places that have the history of this museum.
That does bring up the criticism the museum has received since decolonization, thousands of artifacts stored there came from other countries and there is a very strong argument that those artifacts should be returned. Arguments include that, Britain does not need the tourism from these artifacts, they have plenty and many were brought to Britain through unsavory means or were outright stolen. I recommend looking up the various arguments on both sides. I will not tell you how to think, but it’s a continuing question in archaeology from a world that is still very much grappling with the rise and fall of colonialism.
The Tower of London
A must-see exhibit if you ever end up in London, one of the best sites I have ever seen. First off the tower is remarkably well-preserved. The moat, armory, and foundation have stood up so well that you can explore nearly the entire castle. The only limited parts are the extensive security system (for one wing specifically) and the administration area.
Every tour is led by a Yeoman Warder (a beefeater) who wears a full royal guard uniform. I learned from their pamphlet while there that they are given 5 identical uniforms in look, only differing in thickness so they can be worn in snow and muggy summer. But those royal uniforms are not for show, every tour guide at the Tower of London is required to serve in active duty of the armed services for at least 22 years and be awarded a medal for good conduct. For all the guards, this is a post-tour of duty semi-retirement gig. One that pays well with good hours so the guides in every review I’ve read, and my personal experience are fantastic. And a good guide can make a famous location legendary.
(While the Yeoman Warder is a symbolic position today, they are officially still the royal guards of the monarchy ever since they were founded by Henry VII in 1485.)
The crown jewels are in their own wing and are preceded by three separate rooms of just ropes that are annoying as hell to duck under. All four of us went through these rooms not understanding why they wanted to delay us until my mom put two and two together and realized those are supposed to for the long lines. The whole “go to London in the middle of winter thing” was really helping us out. The jewels themselves are shiny and expensive. I don’t know they’re quite famous and there are plenty of stories for some really expensive shiny rocks.
The tower also has seven ravens who live on the top. Charles II (1630 – 1685) proclaimed that if the Ravens leave the tower the tower will fall. Therefore, the government has a keen interest in making sure the ravens never leave. Specifically, there always must be six. One of the guards, the “Ravenmaster” (a solidly badass title), cares for them. Also in the royal archives is a report from the royal astronomer under Charles complaining that his vision meant the ravens made his astronomy duties more burdensome.
(The current ravens are Jubilee, Harris, Gripp, Rocky, Erin, Poppy, and Georgie.)
Westminster Abbey
The resting ground of Kings, Queens, and some minor figures in British history (like Shakespeare). Overall if you like being in the presence of legendary dead people, this is your location! If you are looking for just dead people in general, I would recommend the catacombs of Paris.
My dad loved the place for the above reasons. I would also say that the Church was surprisingly humble. Sure, it’s a gothic church, but it’s mostly filled with the tombs of so many important people that it feels more like a museum than a towering Church.
Cool place, I do recommend.
St. Paul’s Cathedral (Last one I promise)
Finished in 1710 after a grueling 35 years, St. Paul’s cathedral at one point towered above every building around it. Today it looks pretty minor compared to the skyscrapers of London, but the inside of the cathedral more than makes up for it.
Beautiful stained glass and statues worthy of being the choice of Church for Monarchs, the cathedral remains incredibly well-maintained. Furthermore, it has survived both world wars despite being the literal aiming point for the London Blitz.
(Critics of carpet bombing pointed out it survived when nothing around it did because it was the aiming point.)
But on a personal level, we went to St. Paul’s cathedral on Christmas Eve. The whole show was there with entire choirs being involved in the service. I am not a religious person, but it was an entertaining experience for an hour. Although, Lily and I perhaps had our standards set too high. The churches we had ever seen before (including before the one in our hometown) were Notre Dame and Westminster. Our parents had to tell us that no not every Church keeps thousands of candles lit at once.
The Downtime (Ok I lied)
The trip was not without chaotic moments. The main (and funniest) hurdle came from my parents woke up at 3 am in the morning due to being their insomniac selves and went downstairs to the kitchen to grab water. Down there, however, the hamster cage was empty. They checked the bedding and the little homes but nope Hammy had disappeared. My parents both panicked at the idea of explaining to the host family how we let their hamster escape and get eaten by a pigeon before they heard a scratching in the wall.
A quick ear to the wall yielded the same noise and my parents began following where the scratching went across the wall. Looking back this could have easily been a rat or something wholly unsanitary but they followed it, placed some food at what looked to be a tiny hole in the wall, and out popped Hammy! Hamsters are biologically master escapists, able to adapt their bones to squeeze through the spacing in bars that are less than a tenth of their normal width. They’re also (from my personal experience) devious little creatures that love to escape and cause trouble.
We did spend Christmas in London. It was quite lovely. Beautiful snow, a cute little Christmas tree, and a classic Christmas dinner thanks to Melinda’s family.
Plus my parents gave me StarCraft. I still play that game so best $20 they have probably ever spent. Or worst. Depends on your perspective.
Sam’s Sermon Scales:
West Oakland BART similarities? – 5/10. BART is a mere copy of the ubiquitous and uncleanly British metro system. Awful trash and pollution? England had a century on us. Due to it being near-identical London will score a 5/10 for being the same as the benchmark for this category.
“I could make this better!” – N/A. Before I drank coffee, I wasn’t using liquified three-bean soup (soy milk vanilla latte) consistently until the beginning of 2019.
Folks of Culture? – 9/10. The perk of having an empire where the sun never sets: Certainly a lot of cultures to bring back samples from. The British Museum is overwhelming but in the most fun way possible Plus their own history was fascinating with the Tower of London and the Great Fire and the repercussions of it. Pubs were always enjoyable and the iconic red buses and telephone booths give a lot of personality to a modern city.
Golden Hour Opportunities? – 4/10. London: the nation is known for drab individuals and an even drabber climate. Fog, snow, winds, and general shades of grey for the sky above meant that nature was not outstanding in any way. Plus, the entire trip took place in London which is not a city known for its views. You could argue that I rate this so low because I didn’t visit the countryside but the sheep farms aren’t known for their beauty either.
Did the vegetarian starve? – N/A. Was not a vegetarian yet. Actually, I hated vegetables back when I went on this trip. Oh, 12-year-old me.
“Hey boss, can I work more hours?” – 8/10. First, pubs were far cheaper than they had any right to be. They were running the same prices as rural bars in the Midwest: The “I don’t how you stay in business” rates. Second, we were not paying rent for the entire trip which cuts down significantly. Third, we avoided long tour guides for most of the trip. One of the best vacations in terms of financials for our family undoubtedly.
Cooler than Middle Earth? – 6/10. I loved England but it was not a magical city by any means. The sole exception to this was the Tower of London which might have been cooler than Middle Earth but that was a single attraction.
Overall? I loved London. It feels incredibly like the East Coast because the East Coast was just a colony of England (I mean the northern part is called… New England). But not all vacations need to be exotic and full of culture shocks. For history, cool sites, and some iconic sites: Hell yeah go check out London.
Dead Man Travelling 